Title: A Million Dirty Secrets
Author: C.L. Parker
Publication Date:August 27, 2013
**ARC provided by Netgalley in exchange for an honest review**
The Basic Summary: In order to save her mother's life, Delanie Talbot sells herself into sexual slavery. Enter her owner for the next 2 year, Noah Crawford. What follows is a journey of self-discovery for both Lanie and Noah, and the chance of unexpected love.
My Review: Reading this book was like watching a horrific train wreck happen. You're sitting there, jaw dropped in a horrible sort of fascination, and you know that you should look away, but you can't. So instead, you watch the train wreck happen because you can't not look. The first page of this book was filled with slut-shaming, which is when I knew that I should really put down this book and walk away. Some of you may not know this, but in addition to my shallow cover hoarding, I also lack self-control and a sense of self-preservation. I know something is bad, and I know that I should stop, but I can't help myself. One part of me is sitting there going "Hah, Ade you are such a wuss. Yea you wuss! You're going to put down this book aren't you? Why? Because YOU CAN'T TAKE IT!" Another part of me is like "Bring it, bitch! I am going to kick your ass!" and the last part of me is like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING!? STOP IT!"
Let's start with Lanie. Lanie is an idiot. There's no getting around it. She's just stupid. We're supposed to believe that she's a mature 24 year old, but she's not. The book immediately starts off with Lanie slut-shaming other women, and just gets worse from there. She uses phrases like "moo juice" "coco yumminess" "eager beaver" and "googly moogly" on a regular basis. She even refers to her vagina as "Double Agent Coochie" and to Noah's penis as "Wonder Peen." How many 24 year olds do you know that act like that? Personally, I know none. Lanie selling her body was supposed to make us feel sympathetic towards her, but it didn't really work out that way. At first it was *a little* sad, but the sympathy quickly ran out becuase she acts like an idiot. I know we were supposed to like her, but between the slut-shaming, the weird thoughts she had regarding Noel and sex, and all of the phrases she used, she was just incredibly unlikeable.
Noah was.. he was a misogynistic douche schnozzle. He thinks with his penis, and that's about it. Occasionally he'll remember that there's another head that he can think with, but any thoughts that came from the brain in his other head were quickly brushed aside by the head in his pants. If I'm being completely honest,Noah's character was.. bland. His only defining characteristic was that he was jerk. Oh, and can I just say that it's annoying that he somehow had the time to gain the skill level of a concert pianist? From what Noah said in the book, he was too busy drinking and fucking up when he was young to do anything else. There was no mention of him playing piano, or any other instrument, until Lanie discovered he had a music room and he proceeded to woo her with his piano skills. At least FSoG provided a bit of a back story regarding the piano. This book just threw it in there with no warning.
The sex scenes were awful. There's no nice way to say it. They were weird and awkward, and half of the "sexy" things they did weren't actually sexy. It got to the point where I just started skimming the sex scenes because they were so bad.
My Overall Opinion: I honestly thought this book was horrible, but maybe that's just me. The characters weren't likeable, the story sucked, and the sex scenes read like they were written by a honry 15 year old boy. I personally think that the book was just bad all around, but y'all can read it and find out for yourselves.